PARADOXICAL

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Lent 2014 reflections: Day 10: Self-awareness can be good and bad

Sr. Faustina, even though she’s a saintly woman, was always aware how sinful she was, how utterly hopeless without the grace of God. She even went on to the extent of saying that everything that was good in her was not hers, but God’s, or was acquired through His grace.

I wish to have this constancy of attitude, an attitude of humble self-awareness, that apart from God, I am nothing, that everything good in me is God’s, knowing I am, by myself, incapable of good, knowing that every evil thing in me, from the biggest down to the littlest is mine alone – I am totally responsible for it, and I know I should indeed take responsibility.

However, the problem with this mindset, is that devil doesn’t fail to drum that up in my mind, with a focus on how evil I am, how undeserving, unqualified, etc. And he leaves me at that, and I am often baited, weighed down by the depressing thought.

I realize that is pride, on my part, and I am also totally responsible for it, whether or not the thought came from the devil or from the evil in me. In the first place, if it’s from the devil, then why entertain it? It is pride because it means I even entertained the notion that I can save myself somehow through imagined credits of good deeds or innate goodness. Who am I fooling?

It takes humility to acknowledge my dark shadows, my false self, my unredeemed nature, but it also takes humility – and courage – to accept God’s offer of illumination and freedom to claim my true self. I don’t know how to explain this part further, but what’s important it I am totally getting it for now.

But there's a big but. All I'm saying, in long-winded terms, is that there is a chance of saintliness in me in terms of knowing myself. But the big problem -- and it has been tormenting me for quite sometime now -- is that I have yet to internalize God's love for me. I have yet to really feel it deep down inside, not just hear it.

Something I can't pin down is blocking the flow. Shades of Mother Teresa's night/spiritual darkness? Or should I just consult Czikszentmihalyi? As I am incapable of spiritual analysis in this case, this part is best relegated to the realm of mystery.

Meanwhile, I will take Nouwen's lead in patient waiting.

posted by Resty Odon  # 9:25 PM

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